Why you really have to act alone if you have a relationship


If there is something I always get confused about, the idea that falling in love is completely consumed by each other. I have known countless people who suddenly disappeared into the depths of a new partner's apartment every night, only coming up to hang out when they were out of town or when they broke up.

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It is not only hurtful to feel like a temporary substitute until Tinder bae # 3 arrives, but if you are someone who does not have everything in relationships, you start to wonder if you are a robot that is not capable of 'really love ~ just because you still give priority to brunches with friends and you focus on your career.

Fortunately, maintaining some aspects of being unmarried in a relationship is actually the best approach. Dr. Irene S. Levine, PhD, psychologist and professor of psychiatry at the NYU School of Medicine, explains how having independence in a relationship only makes it stronger.

If you have really great friends, your partner will not feel the pressure to be everything

"Popular culture romanticises the myth of the only real one, both in partners and in best friends," says Dr. Levine. "No individual, neither a partner nor a friend, can meet all his needs." Placing your significant other on this easy to change pedestal of perfect lover / alone and only BFF / therapist will only destroy them. There are just things you can not talk about, like you can with different friends. "Friends are catharsis and help us to resolve the kinks in relationships by having someone else to talk to and ask for advice," says Levine.

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If you have a social life outside your relationship, you will not get bored

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No matter how fun double dates, you also have to hang out one by one with your individual friends (it is also rude to get rid of your single friends if you suddenly have a relationship). "Having friends outside a relationship can help to enrich the relationship between partners," says Dr. Levine. "It enables both of them to gain new experiences that broaden their interests and perspectives, and to pursue passions that might otherwise be at rest." That couple who just hang around together will grow old, especially if you have ended up in a comfortable Netflix routine. See your friends! Make time for them! You will have no regrets.

If you invest time in your career, you have legitimate more to talk about together

Having entirely different interests or career paths that you are passionate about will only give you more new things to discuss. And even if you both pursue the same degrees or jobs, talking about your personal experiences can help you better understand each other's career paths and work-related problems. Levine. "A nice mix of equality and differences offers the best of both worlds."

Having your own hobby & # 39; s makes you safer about everything

Research shows that "self-complexity" (AKA that divides your life more evenly between your relationship, friends, family, career, hobbies, etc.) reduces symptoms of depression and stress. It's pretty simple: if your whole life is about your relationship, a small fight with your partner may feel like the end of the world. But if you have a solid network of friends, a career that you are passionate about and a random rock climbing group that stays with you every Thursday, everything feels much more proportionate.

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By spending your own nights, you maintain a healthy piece of mystery in the relationship

There is something so aggressively boring about knowing EVERYTHING about your partner, even though it is being announced as the ultimate goal of a relationship. Both with aspects of your personality that are only for you, strengthen your intrigue and attraction for each other. Barack Obama said it in a good way in 1995 New Yorker interview about him and Michelle: "It is that tension between familiarity and mystery that creates something strong, because even if you build a life of trust and consolation and mutual support, you remain a bit surprised or astonished about the other person."

Ask for only time will immediately let you know if your partner has the control

If you have made it clear from the beginning that you need some space to do your own thing sometimes – a perfectly reasonable request – you will immediately know if your partner is bad news based on their reaction. "Sometimes pressure can be exerted from a needy partner who needs constant care and reassurance," says Dr. Levine. "Or a partner can assume that being more independent for the other can be harmful." You should never feel bad if you check a Netflix and chill for a team outing at work, or if you travel with your BFFs, your partner will be paranoid about you as cheating.

Is my relationship over?

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If you have done all of the above and are still separating, you do not feel that you have lost a large part of yourself

If for no other reason you are a bit single in your relationship in case you are truly single. "There are few things that are painful as a break, especially if it was not your decision, but the pain is worse if the relationship is your whole world," says Dr. Levine. "[If] all your time has not been channeled into one relationship, there are not so many missing holes to plug in. "Nothing feels worse than having huge work or friendship offerings for the relationship, only to be single and to feel confused about what career you want or how you can make new friends. the first place, single or dating, only makes your life better, why settle for something less?Follow Julia twitter.