Why am I finding it so hard to follow along? What is happening? Who am I?Jun 19, 2017 5:31am
Last night a friend and I watched Selena Gomez’s new music video “Bad Liar” and, if I’m being honest, I didn’t really understand a single thing that happened. I didn’t think anything of it until this morning when a co-worker asked A) if anyone had seen it and B) if so, what the hell it was about?
Knowing it is my moral imperative as a journalist to tackle these sorts of important questions, I undertook an investigation to get to the root of “Bad Liar” and its perplexing storyline. Here’s a play-by-play.
In the opening shot Selena Gomez is riding her bike into school in a charming town, in what is probably the year 1974.
The people at school are inexplicably mean to Selena Gomez, which doesn’t make any sense because every single thing about her suggests that she would be the popular, pretty girl at any school she walked into in any year ever.
Next scene: Selena Gomez is sitting in science class where her fellow students look at her with hatred and disdain. While daydreaming Selena Gomez sees a Farrah Fawcett-esque blonde pull up in a car. The blonde is also played by Selena Gomez so we’ll call her Selena Gomez 2.
Selena Gomez 2 is intercepted by a middle-aged man with a large porn star moustache who is also played by Selena Gomez, and I don’t like that.
Selena Gomez 1 happens on Selena Gomez 2 and Selena Gomez 3 recklessly flirting in a stairwell. Are they having an affair? Yeah probs.
Later on, Selena Gomez 1 is playing basketball and appears to be checking out Selena Gomez 2, who is her basketball teacher.
Selena Gomez 3 (the man) is also checking out Selena Gomez 2 from afar and needs to adjust his penis in his pants because… he has an erection? This is very inappropriate as Selena Gomez 3 is a middle-aged man in a gymnasium full of teenage girls.
Sweet baby Jesus there’s a Selena Gomez 4.
My keen observational eye tells me she is meant to be an older woman because they’ve given her heavy make-up and an unflattering brown blouse. Selena Gomez 4 is Selena Gomez 3’s wife.
At home Selena Gomezes 3 and 4 sit and eat dinner in silence because they hate each other. Selena Gomez 4 totally knows her husband, Selena Gomez 3, wants to bang his co-worker, Selena Gomez 2.
Selena Gomez 1 comes home because yes, of course, she’s the daughter of Selena Gomezes 3 and 4. She looks at her mother, Selena Gomez 4, with genuine hatred before going upstairs to dance sexily in her bedroom alone for no apparent reason.
After pretending she’s asleep with all of the lights on rather than say a single word to her poor, emotionally isolated mother, Selena Gomez 1 pulls a Polaroid picture out from under her pillow and stares at it lovingly. It’s a picture of Selena Gomez 2—her school teacher and the woman responsible for destroying her parents’ marriage.
I don’t know why it bothers me so much that Selena 2 is wearing a T-shirt that says “Tennis is my racquet” in the picture, but it’s probably to do with the fact they’ve spent the whole music video clearly establishing that she loves basketball.
To recap, in case you’re confused, which you definitely are:
Selena Gomez is a lesbian who is in love with her sports teacher, who her (maybe) dad is probably having an affair with. Her mum hates her (maybe) dad. Selena Gomez hates her mum. All of these people are played by Selena Gomez.
I’m willing to concede that my inability to grasp what the hell is going on in this video could just mean that I’m stupid. But let’s ignore that possibility for a moment because I fully understood the film Inception when I re-watched it on a plane recently so I’m basically a genius.
Why is this three-minute music video so complicated? What is the point? Who is the bad liar? Is it all of them? Where did Selena Gomez 1 get that Polaroid of Selena Gomez 2? Does any of this even matter? What is the nature of our existence on earth? Will they still have music videos when Donald Trump sends the world into a nuclear holocaust in 2018? Was this all a ploy so Selena Gomez would get triple the video views? Why do I feel like Taylor Swift is behind all this?