Realizing Beyoncé Will Likely Have Geminis, the Internet Struggles to Cope

Here’s an uncontroversial opinion to the majority of the world: Geminis are the worst. So loathed is the astrological sign that the internet has developed a term to describe the constant criticism heaped upon those born between May 21 and June 20: “Gemini slander.”

“People demonize us,” said Monica, a Gemini. “Everyone hates Geminis, and I’ve never understood why. We’re perfectly normal.” From a quick browse of the “Gemini slander” tag on Tumblr, it’s easy to figure out why the sign of the twins is so maligned—common negative Gemini traits include two-facedness, disloyalty, and pathological dishonesty. (Both Donald Trump and Mike Pence are Geminis, which doesn’t help matters.)

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This weekend, two unspeakably powerful forces of internet passion will converge: the dawn of the dreaded Gemini season, and the impending birth of Beyoncé’s already–universally beloved twin children. With Gemini season starting on Saturday, Twitter is fearfully contemplating what will happen if America’s true first family welcomes not one but two Geminis into its fold.

“Beyoncé has a week to deliver these twins or they’ll be Geminis,” one Twitter user wrote apprehensively. “Y’all… we ain’t gone make it.” Another urged Beyoncé to give birth “NOW or wait till Cancer season,” fretting that the cultural icon “can’t have… Gemini babies. Nope. She doesn’t deserve that.” Some are still holding out hope: “Beyoncé always does the right thing. She knows the world doesn’t need more Geminis so she’s going to give us these baby Tauruses soon,” a third person reassured their followers and the world at large.

Others still are entreating higher powers to intervene. “Please send Beyoncé into labor @God,” a concerned fan tweeted on May 8. “Don’t curse the queen with Gemini.”

Monica, as a Gemini, is elated about the situation. “I can’t wait for the world to meet these little Gemini illuminati babies,” she gloated, in a classic smug Gemini manner. Other, less judgmental social media users have pointed out that it’s notable, impressive, and very typical that Beyoncé is having twins during the season of the twin sign—a true feat of destiny and astrology.

Annabel Gat, Broadly’s staff astrologer, is not worried about the children being born as Geminis, noting the sign has countless good traits despite the widespread slander. “Geminis are a very smart sign,” she explained. “They’re ruled by Mercury, the planet of information and communication, and they love learning.” Geminis are quick-witted in general, she continued, and also “the life of the party.” Gat has faith in Beyoncé, too. “If anyone can produce amazing Geminis, it has to be Beyoncé, who is a Virgo,” said Gat. “Virgos are also ruled by Mercury, and I’m sure whatever insidious, dark traits that Gemini has, a Virgo can totally temper the whole thing.”

Lisa Stardust, an astrologer who specializes in celebrity culture who is also a Gemini, emphasizes that many beloved celebrity children share the notorious sign: North West, Kim Kardashian and Kanye West’s daughter who is also objectively the world’s cutest child, is a Gemini, as are the Olsen twins. “Beyonce’s twins might grow up and become moguls, like their dad—or like another set of Gemini twins, the Olsen sisters,” she said.

And there’s always the hope that the youngest Carter-Knowles children will usher in a new era for the misunderstood Geminis of the world. “Dear baby Jesus, let Beyonce hold those babies in,” one Gemini tweeted on May 6, “so the world will be forced to love us.”

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