9 Vague Texts Every Woman Has Sent To A Guy

Every woman has been there. You’re lying on the couch in a blissful Netflix coma when suddenly you’re hit with block after block after block of run-on texts from a guy about how vinyl “just sounds so different.” You try to politely eject yourself, but they’re not getting the message. You keep sending the same smiley emoji and nothing else, but. They. Keep. Sending. Reddit. Links. And eventually ask you to “chill at their place.”

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Basically, texting is the worst and no one should ever do it, but since everyone does, here are a few of the vaguest, all-too-familiar texts every woman has definitely sent a guy who is just not getting it.

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Text: “haha”

Translation: “I need this chat to end already.”

By responding to a stream of “jokes” about Kim Kardashian with variations of “ha” “hahahaha” and the ever-powerful “haha,” this is an attempt to bore the texter in question into fading away. Like a road possum playing dead, I’m just hoping this conversation will hop in its Hummer and drive out of my life forever.

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Text: “lol”

Translation: “Your sense of humor is GIFs of people getting hurt and trash-talking everyone, and I feel like I’m cringing my way into a bleak abyss.”

Similar to “haha”, but with a stronger undercurrent of vitriol. A long-winded retelling of how supposedly crazy your ex was warrants a lone “lol” and nothing else.

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Text: “lmaoooo”

Translation: “I genuinely liked this and want you to not mistake this for an ‘lol’!”

You actually did send an A+ dog meme, but I’m with people right now. But I want you to know that you did a great job — my friend asked me why I cracked a smile while she was in the middle of venting about her roommate. So nicely done! Gotta go now though!

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Text: “wow!”

Translation: “I have no idea what to say!”

You just sent me a link on the difference between true craft beer and craft beer posers. I’m not sure why you did or how you even feel about it yourself, so I will go with the very safe “wow!” and work with whatever you say next. Unless it was meant for a different girl all along, in which case, BYE.

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Text: “:)”

Translation: “I like you but am momentarily living my best life. Check back later.”

I have nothing to add right now/am in the middle of watching Black Mirror but also want to be polite because I do like you. But man, do you manage to text at the most suspenseful parts of every Netflix binge!

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Text: “yeah”

Translation: “You drain me more than an emotionally clingy vampire in a teen romance franchise.”

I don’t actually agree with you but I also don’t have the energy to keep responding to your paragraphs of texts about how your boss asked you to work an hour later than normal. In the time you’ve written me a mini-novella, I went to the gym and meal-prepped my whole week, so a “yeah I feel that” is all you get.

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Text: “o rly?”

Translation: “You have no idea how wrong you are and it’s kind of incredible.”

You’re in the middle of mansplaining Hillary’s loss to me again and you just said misogyny wasn’t a real factor. “O rly?” may sound like I am eager to hear your opinion when, in fact, I can probably guess what you’re about to say and I’m about to school you on some sexism. Walk right into my trap, dude.

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Text: “hmm”

Translation: “NOPE.”

I reeeeeeeeally don’t want to meet you at a bar to watch your team in the finals on a muted screen 20 feet away. I also don’t want to say “no” because you did go to sushi when you weren’t 100 percent feeling it, so “hmm” is my gentle way of urging you to reconsider.

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Text: “omg”

Translation: “omg”

Though “omg” is mocked all the time for sounding cartoonishly hyperbolic, I have never typed an “omg” I didn’t mean. It is a beautiful, meaningful umbrella of an acronym, appropriate for shocking work gossip, gloriously shady tweets, and when you Snap me a requested pic of your gray sweatpants bulge.

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